Thursday 14th of August 2003
Yesterday was the first year anniversary of mine and your dad’s split. One year!!! It’s gone quickly but it also seems like a long time ago, a lifetime ago. So much has happened since. Well, I’m still obsessed with the giving up smoking today and the worse part of it is the emotional turmoil it brings. I guess I used smoking as emotional support and now I feel lost.
Yesterday we went to the pub before going to the cinema (went to watch Pirates of the Caribbean). I managed to knock a glass of wine all over the counter, felt very distressed about it and nearly burst into tears! I also felt ‘lacking’ all day, the urge still very much there. I still feel it today, it’s like the nicotine doesn’t want to leave my body! My throat is a bit sore and my eyes still a bit bulgy… I thought it only took 3 days to get rid of the nicotine. Clearly not. But I’m still determined and the urges are getting a bit weaker. Yesterday night I even handled 3 visits to the pub (might as well face temptation head on!), although they were all for one drink only. Also faced trip to restaurant before going to cinema. It really helps that nobody smokes. The only person who used to, Ivan, has stopped for a while now.
Ended up sitting next to J everywhere I went, even if I didn’t want to, but somehow I feel more immune to him. Although at the end of the night I really wanted to stay at his place, I told myself I wanted that because he lives nearer work and I was so tired. Deep down I know I just wanted to be near him a bit longer, but I never asked and we went to opposite platforms. Keep wanting to touch him when he’s near me, but I guess that urge, like smoking, will pass. If someone doesn’t love you there’s just no point in suffering. But the confusing thing is that I keep getting mixed signals (or maybe it’s just wishful thinking)… All the exchanged looks, and the smiling face when he looks at me. All very disturbing. Just wish he was horrid to me, it would make it easier. I texted him last night when I got home, to say I was safe and he never replied… Maybe he’s in love with somebody else. Anyway, I won’t lose sleep over it, fuck it!
You’ve been going to the Arts Factory during your holidays (Marlene takes you there) and you’ve been working on this little project which you’ve been talking about it and finally I saw it last night! It’s a massive fish cut out, with lots of things stuck to it. It’s lovely! You insisted it was a dolphin though and that I was looking at it the wrong way around, which was exactly what your dad said when I arrived home last night and saw it for the first time! I want to keep that one forever, it really is lovely. Need to take a picture of it, just in case.
Mmm, the cravings are definitely a lot weaker today, similar to the cravings one gets when one has nicotine patches on. Maybe there’s very little nicotine left in my body. The urge to smoke is much more subdued! How lovely, I’ll soon be free.