Wednesday 20th of August 2003 – Mushrooms and back with J
So, the weekend… Friday night started with some of us going to the Adelaide after work, as usual. Some of the ‘gang’ were in another pub, avoiding a guy who was in the Adelaide (which I thought was pretty shit and childish, so I made a point of staying there – J felt the same way, so he stayed too. The others who stayed weren’t that aware of this stupid plot). Anyway, later on we get a call from Kieran (the guy who was the leader of the whole avoid someone fiasco) telling us they were all going to some pub near Putney Bridge and that we should go but not to tell the avoided person. That really annoyed me because the guy isn’t that bad and even if he was! Anyway, only J, Irene and I ended up getting on the bus to go. Paul said he has going home to drop his bike and then coming over. As we were coming off the bus Irene says she’s going home so it’s me and J on our own again until we find the pub. J asked why it was that it always ends up just being the two of us, I said I didn’t know why, but was feeling a bit uncomfortable, because we always end up together one way or another and he must be thinking that I’m following him around or something of a stalking nature, and that’s the last thing I’m doing, I’m actually trying to get away from him and not managing to do it, and enjoying the fact that he’s always there! So we find the pub and there are 3 people there we barely know. Steve Hall shows up. It was a cold night, after all the heat, everyone was freezing. We were outside for 1 minute and then went in and managed to get a table, which was quite amazing.
Then I get a text from Paul saying he’s not coming, he’s staying at home doing some chocolate magic mushrooms. J gets all excited (I told him about the message) and asked me to ask him if we could go over. Somehow just the 2 of us end up going over, as Steve decided to go home when we left the pub. We got a cab to Paul’s. I’ve never ever had magic mushrooms in my life and I guess you should try most things at least once, magic mushrooms being one of them. We only had a level 1 maybe 2 experience, not a lot of visuals. Everyone looked jaundiced or green and we couldn’t stop laughing for ages for reasons I can’t remember. Had I known how mad it can get I might not have done it. But luckily I had a mild trip and was fine after 3 hours. I’d never want to get any higher than that, to be honest. Check out the levels I found on the internet and judge for yourself:
Level 1
This level produces a mild “stoning” effect, with some visual enhancement (i.e. brighter colours, etcetera). Some short term memory anomalies. Left/right brain communication changes causing music to sound “wider”.
Level 2
Bright colors, and visuals (i.e. things start to move and breathe), some 2 dimensional patterns become apparent upon shutting eyes. Confused or reminiscent thoughts. Change of short term memory leads to continual distractive thought patterns. Vast increase in creativity becomes apparent as the natural brain filter is bypassed.
Level 3
Very obvious visuals, everything looking curved and/or warped patterns and kaleidoscopes seen on walls, faces etc. Some mild hallucinations such as rivers flowing in wood grained or “mother of pearl” surfaces. Closed eye hallucinations become 3 dimensional. There is some confusion of the senses (i.e. seeing sounds as colors, etcetera). Time distortions and “moments of eternity”.
Level 4
Strong hallucinations, i.e. objects morphing into other objects. Destruction or multiple splitting of the ego. (Things start talking to you, or you find that you are feeling contradictory things simultaneously). Some loss of reality. Time becomes meaningless. Out of body experiences and e.s.p. type phenomena. Blending of the senses.
Level 5
Total loss of visual connection with reality. The senses cease to function in the normal way. Total loss of ego. Merging with space, other objects, or the universe. The loss of reality becomes so severe that it defies explanation. The earlier levels are relatively easy to explain in terms of measureable changes in perception and thought patterns. This level is different in that the actual universe within which things are normally perceived, ceases to exist! Satori enlightenment (and other such labels).
I did feel a bit lost the day after and my memory was seriously messed up for a couple of days after. Not something to do very often. Don’t even think I’ll ever do it again!
Anyway, when the shrooms hit (and they hit me by surprise as I never thought I’d get anything as I only ate a little bit of chocolate) J and I were sat next to each other on the sofa. We just looked at each other, after freaking out a bit that it was actually working and just kissed, like it was the most natural thing to do in the world. Then we spend the rest of the night talking. He said he had this whole speech prepared and been thinking about me and wanted to get back together for a while, but that my call on Monday really scared him off again, but that he understood where I was coming from. I told him I made that call because I desperately wanted it to be over as I wasn’t sure whether it was or not and that was driving me nuts.
Well, I’ll spare you all the details. We’re together again. Although I don’t feel elated, I just feel that things are now back to normal and I’m not aching for him all the time, not going out of my mind without him. Turns out that he felt pretty much the same, which is strange because I was sure that he couldn’t stand the sight of me! So we got a cab to my place together, with a mad cab driver who couldn’t stay on the same lane and I had to give directions, street by street, turn by turn, on how to get home! We went to sleep around 4 and got woken up at 7 by you. And never managed to sleep properly again. Whenever I was nearly falling asleep you’d come in with your mad haircut, courtesy of your grandma, and wake us up again.
Finally got up and J and I were absolutely starving, so we had a fry up at 10! While you had your hair cut with my mum… From then on it was a marathon, getting the house ready for the party I was having, to say goodbye to the house I’ve lived in for the last 8 years (even though I still don’t know when we’re moving out). The party was very good… Although it was more of a gathering. I had such a happy weekend, after so many sad ones! And just as I was getting over J, just as I was learning to be happy without him, he just goes and surprises me again. Of course this time we’ve made promises, to stop confusing each other with our exes, to stop attributing feelings to the other which are not even there. The promise I made to myself is that I should really believe that he loves me, that I am lovable, that I am worthy of his love and that he’s not too good for me, I do deserve him.
My relationship with R. really knocked out the confidence it took me years to build… I think I’m getting it back again and feeling strong. This whole giving up smoking has also done me a lot of good, in terms of self-belief. Although since Sunday I’ve been eating like a pig. I had about 8 packets of tomato sauce crisps in one day. I’m still not sleeping too well, even though it’s not hot anymore. I wake up at least 3x at night, for absolutely no reason, and I’ve always been a good sleeper. I should have been sleeping normally by now according to what I read. Maybe I’m stressed, but, I’m no more stressed than before, in fact, I haven’t felt in as much peace with myself since I gave up smoking on the 9th of August. Maybe I just have too much energy?!
I’m not scared of being happy with J anymore. I think he feels the same way. He finally managed to sell his flat as well. A couple of weeks ago. On Friday he was trying to buy a flat and messaging me at the same time. This is a lovely flat, in Brixton, 2 bedrooms, big living room, en-suite shower… The block is only 2 years old! He offered 200k and the sellers said he could have it for 205k. His brother and dad were telling him to buy at 205. I was telling him, very vehemently, to offer 202.5, ask them to get back within the hour, and if they said no, then accept buying it for 205. J spent ages debating this with me, his brother and his dad. I kept telling him to do it, what could he lose? So, eventually he took my advice, offered 202.5. Of course they accepted, as I could just tell they were playing the usual game. I think they would have been surprised if J had actually bought it for 205! So, that was another magic moment we had before that magic mushroom night.
J was on the phone to them at work, they accepted his offer for 202.5 and he was looking at me (I was staring at him too) when they said yes. Later on we both said that we just wanted to give each other a big hug at that moment. I felt so good, first of all that he actually listened to me and followed my advice (R. would never have done that, he would have done the opposite), and then being actually right on the advice I gave and him actually getting the flat of his dreams while saving 2.5k! It was such a lovely moment that we shared. After that I tried to get everyone to go to the pub at lunch, because it was a lovely day. Only J showed up… We had a nice time though, talking about our little adventure with buying the flat.
All the time I was totally resigned to the fact that it was over, and feeling a bit sad for that, as it seemed we actually made a good team. I spent the whole afternoon feeling a bit down (but that was probably due to having 2 bottles of Smirnoff Ice at lunch). Then, at 3, an hour after coming back from lunch, I went for a vigorous walk in the park, for ½ an hour. That lifted my spirits a bit, but I still felt sadness that it was over between us. I really didn’t think we’d get back together like I did last time when we were apart for a mere week. This time we were away for 32 days!
So, I had a pretty amazing few days! The days I spend with you were lovely too. Feel much closer to you now. You really are a lovely little boy! Sorry, big boy, as you insist on being called. Just don’t grow up too fast. Now you want to get your own breakfast ready, which is lovely, so I’ve been teaching you how to do it. Just put some milk in a glass, get a bowl (the cereal is upstairs), get the Yakult from the fridge (you love it), then the yogurt, then some grapes/plums or whatever fruit is around. You should be able to do it all by the end of the week. Never lose hope, Daniel. Things may appear hopeless and terrible but they always get better.