Thursday 18th of July 2002
Tube strike today, it took me nearly two hours to get in, and I’m leaving early to make sure I can pick you up (your dad has an interview where he works now to get a permanent job as a network manager). Had a bit of a debate with one the guys at work. He’s such a capitalist, Margaret Teacher’s baby, it makes me sick. He said the only reason the tube workers were striking was to have a day out in the sun, and that they were selfish. If they’re so selfish why are they striking over passenger security on the underground? Some people really don’t have a clue!! I got a bit annoyed and had to stop myself from taking the whole thing too seriously and getting up on my soap box and start making a speech. But not before I made my point.
On Monday I was really upset over what had happened on Sunday. I kept reliving the whole argument in my head, so at lunch time I just left and drove home crying all the way. I cried more when I got home, then I went shopping, came home and ate my first meal of the day. Then R. arrived and we argued even more. The fact that I had been upset didn’t bring out any form of sympathy or care from him. I just left and went to pick you up. On the way back you asked me to take to see you friends at the park (your nana always takes you there when she picks you up). All the kids knew you there, and they were all shouting your name and chasing you and trying to make you laugh the most. These children were a bit older than you. Your favourite, a girl called Renata from Kosovo, is 7 years old. She was rolling on the floor just so she could hear you laugh, because you have such a funny laugh!!! I was really impressed to see how all these kids really liked you, I mean I love you more than anybody, and I think you are funny, but I’m your mum… Marlene is always saying how all the women at the playgroup find you so lovely because you talk to all the adults, and I know, I have proper conversations with you, which are generally about very surreal stuff but very engrossing.
We got back home, had a horrible time ignoring each other (me and your dad) and then you went to bed. R. and I ended up talking for 2 hours, first arguing, then I started crying again, then we finally started listening to each other… According to R. when I start talking I don’t stop, when I’m angry. That’s what I do, I get verbal diarrhoea and can’t stop myself. I also get offensive and start picking on all your dad’s faults and making some up along the way.
I’m just so upset doing all the housework + full time job, all that R. does is cook sometimes and hoover. He only uses the washing machine when his clothes are dirty, he never irons your clothes. I clean the bathroom, the cooker, the garden… He goes out whenever he pleases, as I’m always here to look after you. So, like he said, I’ve got reason to be upset but I always overreact and complain too much (maybe if didn’t have to repeat myself all the time I wouldn’t get so wound up). We talked for ages. At the start when we were both angry, we had decided that R. would move out as soon as possible. That scared me… Just the thought of R. not being there scares me.
The next day I woke up and my eyes were so puffy and sore from all the crying! I really wish we could stop arguing so much. I’ve made a promise to myself to bite my tongue a bit more and try not to be so verbally aggressive towards R. He said he’d try and do more around the house. Yesterday he had the day off and all the washing had been done…