London 24/07/1990 Tuesday
I returned home after almost a week in Seven Sisters. I went there on Tuesday afternoon. Patrick and I went to his room, he said he liked me but then he said that sometimes he thought about his girlfriend. I just felt ice running through my veins. I told him I’d leave him to it so he could think about her. He said not to go, that he likes me and hates when he thinks about her but couldn’t help it. We talked until sunrise.
My conclusion is to just give it time and see what happens. He went to work. I had no money and Felipe wanted to borrow money, so we came to my house. Felipe went to get some food with the money I lent him and I stayed home. Patrick called me saying he was going to Capoeira. I felt a bit awkward around him, after last night, and I couldn’t help it. Every time I looked at him all I could see was her. I wished he loved me like that. We went for a quick drink after and then back to his squat. We smoked, but I couldn’t kiss him. I just turned around and went to sleep.
I spent Thursday with Wagner. I had a bad cold and we had no money. And everyone else was at work. We sunbathed, played cards all day. Wagner couldn’t beat me but he didn’t want to stop playing. I was all banged up with a headache… Wagner talks so much shit, he’s such a child. I was ready to kill him by the end of the day. What a fucked up day, I can’t bear another day like this.
Then people started arriving from work, and Karl gave me some Night Nurse. I took a lot of that. And smoked. As a result I was sleep walking. Patrick turned up at 10 and I was nearly asleep. Karl had bought food, but apart from the cold one of my wisdom teeth is infected and I couldn’t open my mouth to let the food in. I forced something down though, as I hadn’t eaten all day. Patrick carried me to his flat and I passed out.
On Friday we woke up at 6, I went to the Brazilian squat and slept until noon. I went out to get a copy of the key to the flat and bumped into Wagner. We played cards again. When Felipe, Robinson and Karl arrived we smoked like maniacs. My tooth was killing me. Denise arrived and cooked a lovely dinner: salad, rice and sweetcorn but I couldn’t chew… Patrick turned up and we went to his room. This time he was the one who fell asleep straight away. I went to sleep twice recently as I was afraid of sleeping with him. But when I found myself there, with him ‘sleeping’, I just got up and left. When I opened the door I saw him looking at me, really sad, and he said goodbye. I thought ‘This is it then’ and went to sleep in the Brazilian squat.
On Saturday I woke up feeling really really sad. Denise, Robinson and I had two spliffs. Karl turned up with his son and they asked me to go out with them. I didn’t even blink and said yes! I didn’t want to see Patrick. We went to Oxford Street to meet Peixe, but I ended up losing everyone. It was so busy! And I was stoned. So I just got back to Seven Sisters. When the lift door opened, Felipe, Patrick and Gareth came out. Patrick looked happy to see me and came to give me a kiss, but I just turned and spoke to Felipe. They were going out swimming. I ended up going with them, Patrick lent me some money as I had none. He asked me why I left him on Friday, and I said I felt stupid in that room. But today it was like nothing bad had happened. We swam, then Felipe and Gareth went back to Seven Sisters and we went to Covent Garden, where we bumped into Karl, his son, Denise and Robinson. We were trying to understand how we lost each other, when we found a Capoeira group: Ginga Brasil. They have just arrived from Sao Paulo and we were talking to them. Eventually everyone went their separate ways and it was just Patrick and I left.
We went to Earl’s Court, to Letitia’s house but she was out. Then Patrick took me to Chelsea Bridge, where he works. It was 8 o’clock, everyone had gone, and he has all the keys… We got into his office, I called Brazil, and got Patrick to speak to my cousin . He called his mum and I talked to her. What a Saturday! From there we went to a pub in the area. It’s a very rich area and the pub was full of yuppies, yuck! We left pretty soon and went to the West End. It was packed, full of tourists. We walked around Soho, Piccadilly, Trafalgar Square, looking for a place to dance, but because of our informal attire, we weren’t allowed in anywhere.
We ate something and went to a club in Mannor House. They didn’t want to let Patrick in because he wasn’t wearing a black shirt! It’s a shithole, so they let us in eventually. I downed three Comboy rums and passed out on Patrick’s lap. I woke up and then he passed out on my lap. It finished at 2 and we were absolutely drunk. We walked to Seven Sisters painting the town red on the way. We passed out when we got in. At least we managed to stay away all day and Patrick didn’t have to lend money to anyone. I suggested he only lends money to people on Monday, when they’ll use the money to eat, not to drink. He liked the idea. We woke up at 8am on Sunday and FINALLY we made love, after all the drama! We went back to sleep and woke up at one. We made love again and had a bath. We then went to Camden. He bought some clothes. I took us to Earl’s Court again, to see Letitia, and, surprise, she was out. We went back home and made love again. Delicious!
On Monday I went home and argued with my mum on the phone. She also has no money. I went to the dentist and the doctor. In the evening Patrick and I went to see the Ginga Brasil group perform. It wasn’t busy as it was badly advertised, only 20 people or so. The show was amazing nonetheless. Patrick was amazed, he’d never seen a real roda. I was dribbling, I’d love to earn a living doing Capoeira. What a show, so much energy! In the end everyone could join and I went in. I love Capoeira. Their Capoeira is amazing. Shame they are only staying for three months.
On the way home, on the tube, when I was going to get off at Highbury Patrick grabbed my arm and I didn’t try hard enough to leave. It made no sense for him to sleep there for me to sleep here… It was very busy on the 11th floor, despite it being a Monday. We stayed in the Brazilian squat for a bit. I knew we just needed a bit of time and space. Things are so amazing right now!
Not going there tonight as I need to talk to my mum.