London 11/05/1990 Wednesday
I’ll write in English to practice… Gustavo arrived, eventually, on last Friday. It was so strange, after 6 months, seeing him again. We went to Capoeira and we made love later on. It was just unbelievable. On Saturday I worked three hours at the shop because Joe phoned asking to work again at the shop because he really needs me there. At first I thought it could be a good idea, an easy solution for financial problems. But I felt terrible, sad, working there again, so I decided not to work anymore.
At night me, Gustavo and James went to a party (the nice English guy who goes to the shop). The nice guy is going to Spain and I thought I could look after his flat. I spoke to him but there’s already someone in there. Shit! I’ve got no money and we need a place to stay! On Tues/Weds I’ve been delivering magazines. Easy job, easy money. On Wednesday Gustavo started with his paranoic ideas of just being friends because he thinks I love him too much and he doesn’t want me to suffer because he thinks he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. Fuck off! I told him I just want to have fun, he’s not the man of my life and that I don’t really love him the way he thinks I do. He’s even more foolish than before! We have been sleeping at Letitia’s for 2 days and haven’t touched each other. But yesterday I just thought “damn it!” and “seduced” him. It was crazy. Wonderful. But today the bastard come with stupid jokes, calling me a slag, because I knew he didn’t want to make love and I seduced him. Firstly I wasn’t taking it seriously but he then went too far and I told him that never ever again in my life he’s going to touch me. Five minutes later he started playing and trying to hug me. I told him to stop, he didn’t. So I slapped him!!! He got fucking angry. I’m feeling a bit lost now. He’s making me hate him when everything should be wonderful.