London 09/10/1990 Wednesday
Had a crazy week! Last Tuesday I decided to stay at home with my mum and not move out. I started a photography course last Monday. On Weds I went to Seven Sisters and stayed with Patrick. On Thursday I went to work and Patrick didn’t call. When I saw my mum at the English course she said he had called telling me to meet him in Victoria, as he was waiting for Cormac to arrive. I decided not to go and went home. At 11 I felt a desperate need to see him and I went to Seven Sisters, my mum wasn’t too happy but she can’t stop me, I’m an adult.
I got there and he wasn’t home yet so I talked to George, Sean, Cristina, Felipe. I went to sleep at one in his bed, a bit worried. I only woke up the next day and nearly had a heart attack when I realised Patrick wasn’t there. I started crying. I asked George to tell Patrick to put my things in a bag that I’d get them on Monday. I pulled my drawing off the wall and went to work. I had two acids for me and Patrick. I was so angry I decided to take it, with Letitia… At work, at 2 in the afternoon. It started to hit us at 4, very strong. We were struggling to control ourselves and act normal. What an insanely stupid idea that was. It was her first acid ever. At six Patrick called me saying he had called on Thursday but Sharon (shop manager) didn’t tell me, the bitch! I said I couldn’t meet him and that I was going out with other friends and put the phone down on him.
We closed the shop, at last! and went to the park with Letitia’s new man, Dani. He had launched his LP that day (Secret Desire) and wasn’t very happy, and he has a girlfriend… messy. The atmosphere was weird so he left. We went to the record shop next door to Desire to see Letitia’s French friends (Jean Phillipe/Pierre) and we stayed there for a while. I felt like crying so I cried for a bit. We talked a bit more and then went to a pub. Letitia and I were tripping hard and I was in a bad place taking everyone with me. Everyone was going to watch a show but I decided I couldn’t handle it. I was going a bit insane, I didn’t feel comfortable anywhere and I just wanted to go to Seven Sisters. Letitia and I stayed in the pub and then it all went topsy-turvy. I thought I was mad, she was scared and disgusted with me but wouldn’t let me leave. I went to the toilet and, she in came too, but even that took half an hour to happen. When we got there she started to take her clothes off, and I got scared, and she asked for something to happen between us and looked at me in a way she never looked at me before… I said no, not possible. Then she wanted to leave the cubicle, and I asked her to stay as I needed company. She was going to run off and I grabbed her by the arm and shouted: WAKE UP!!!!!
We ended up having a wee together, sharing the same seat, back to back, no more sexual tension in the air. Insanity! We ran out of the pub and she wanted me to go home with her, she was begging me to go, she thought everyone was my accomplice and that everyone hated her. I was getting really paranoid too and I needed to be with Patrick. So I waited for her to get a taxi and went to Seven Sisters. When I got there I bumped into someone on the lift, he said Patrick was in his room, asleep. I knocked on the door, it was midnight, and George wouldn’t let me in, he said Patrick was in bed with someone, the wind up merchant! For ten minutes he wouldn’t let me in. I started crying, he got distracted and I ran in and turned the light on. Patrick was asleep, on his own. George came in and started talking to me, asking what I’d been doing… Patrick woke up and asked George to leave and then fell asleep again. I cried for half an hour and then started trying to understand what the heck was going on in my head. All I wanted was him and I kept trying to wake him up. I turned the light off and started kissing him. NOTHING. I lost it and started bouncing the bed, asking him to talk to me. Finally he woke up and I talked to him. I told him I never felt like this before. That I went crazy when I didn’t see him in the morning, that I was afraid I was so in love. He said he’s scared too, he doesn’t like depending on me and that he’s always worried about me. I said I tried to run from him and that’s why I didn’t go to the pub. I said everything was suffocating me – and talked about my feelings, but I never told him about the acid or all that craziness!
On Saturday we stayed in. Felipe told him he had given me two tabs and Patrick asked me what I had done with them, so I told him what happened. He took one, but I didn’t want any. We woke up at 4pm on Sunday and I went out to take some photos for my course. He slept until 6pm.
On Monday I developed my first film, I spent all my money on materials for the course. I can’t survive on just three days a week’s money.