RJ 29/04/1989 Saturday
Gustavo called this morning but I was sleeping, then I called him. We were both in a bad mood and talking was difficult. He promised we’d see each other today, for sure. I broached the subject and just before we said goodbye I wished him a good weekend, making it clear I didn’t want to speak to him for a while, he did the same. But why? There are times I feel NOTHING for him, even a little disdain and then other times I’m crazy about him. I know, I’m scared of love, lack of confidence, insecurity and the rest. I haven’t seen him for so long it made no difference not seeing him today.
Late afternoon, Zezé and I went to Gennaro’s, it’s his birthday. Despite becoming grumpier every day and picking on my mum, I like him more, I never felt such affection for him! Aunt Italy and uncle Antonio were there too, and of course, my mum and Zaira. We stayed until 21:00, I ate cake and drank Guaraná.
The phone at home is crazy! It only works if we turn it upside down. Zezé thought it was completely broken but I found a way of making it work, but we have to dial it upside down and sometimes we can’t hear anything. Worst of all, TELERJ, the phone company, will only come here on Tuesday, to fix it. I feel isolated without the phone. What if ‘someone’ calls? By the time I find the position to make it work, people have given up and put the phone down. I’m NOBODY without a phone.
I keep thinking about Gustavo. I want to tell him to forget about me and not call me anymore, just to see what he’d do. Today I took a test on Revista Nova, to see how well I deal with men and the result was bad: I can’t handle them nor do I understand them. So I decided not to do this ‘test’ with Gustavo of ending everything (everything what?) because it might backfire. This is so COMPLICATED!