RJ 19/06/1989 Monday
To make up for yesterday, the day started well. English lesson was great, Fred always cheers me up (he can cheer a dead person up), then I went to get my electoral title! If we vote for Lula we can change this panorama. Bunch of alienated fools, those who will vote for Collor. They’re going to fuck the country up once and for all, because this man is EVIL, a puppet, an imbecil. A rich person with a thirst for power. To make things worse, Sarney has banned vote in transit, so I’m going to lose my vote. Lula is going to lose a very important vote, given with love: MINE! I will probably not be here in November for the elections.
My depressions are great, they just go away suddenly. Am I schizophrenic? Or a lesser, minor manic depressive?
As soon as I got home from English, Gino called. Do you know what’s happening? I’m falling in love with him again. Properly, I’m thinking about him, his arms, mouth, legs… (what legs, mouth, everything!). I’m full of lust for him, as I haven’t feet for a long time. If I could I’d dive into the phone and appear at the other end, full of love. He says so many nice things. He says he things about me all the time… My God! And it’s true, I can feel it in his voice. I didn’t want to believe and delude myself that he thinks about me too much, but it seems so real! I think he’s lonely too. With every call we get closer, more tender and I get more desperate to see him. What a transformation! After he went back to Brasilia and our planned encounter failure, things just got better. I can’t believe it! But I said it would be annoying if Luciana was with Marcos as she would have LESS time for me, and he started thinking I want to be with Marcos. What a fool! I hope she marries him and me and Gino are together all the time. I have so much to say about him but will sum it up in one sentence: I’m dying to see him… and very sure of our relationship. Which I find scary. But no negative thoughts today. I felt Gino by my side all day!
I called my father in the evening and shot him right in the face. I invited myself to stay at his house. He lives with his wife, two kids and mother in law, but even so, why shouldn’t it be ok for me to stay there? But I know his wife. He said he had to talk to his family and see. Really? He should have just said I’m going to stay. But he’s full of democracies. I should have a right to stay there, but I don’t have… I’m going to pray so much so I can stay at his house (at the Lago Norte), really, this is the least he could do for me. I can’t understand why I can’t stay there! He said he will call me with the answer and it’s going to be YES!