RJ 14/09/1989 Thursday
Rita came on Tuesday but went home yesterday as her bedroom was ready and clean. She might come back when they paint the living room, to spend another day. Wagner came here twice on Tuesday. He came on Weds but I was asleep. Nothing will ever happen between us!
Antonio called on the 4th and today to chat. He said he’s no longer seeing the 27 year old woman as his “life was in danger”. Can you believe it? He still hasn’t given up on me.
Total boredom, this was my day today: I woke up at 9:30, drank water, guarana powder and exercised. I can’t do all the exercises in less than 1 hour and 40 minutes! There’s a fuck ton of them and I’m back up to around 60% fitness. To reach maximum I have to stop smoking. I’ll never get past 80% until I stop. After 3 weeks of daily exercise I’ve lost 1kg and my tummy properly shrank. I think I need to lose 1cm around the belly, 2cm around my bum, 0.5 on my thighs and 1cm around hips. It’s all fat. I love exercising! Then I danced for 30 minutes and it was 12:40. I ate lunch and watched TV.
I called Brasilia yesterday and spoke with Patricia and Luciana. Suddenly the phone made a crazy sound and I had to put it down. I was so angry! Later my mum called (she’s in Vilhena) and I was very rude to her. It’s no use, I still haven’t forgiven her, subconsciously, to this day. She tells me to complain and speak objectively, but not to be rude to her as it serves no purpose. But it’s stronger than me, you know? It’s compulsive, instinctive. I start saying things without controlling myself. It’s an illness. Then I feel bad after, but I just let the dogs out over little things. It’s as if I think I have the right and the duty to be horrible to her. Deep down I blame her for being in Rio, away from Brasilia, alone, with a muddled up life. On the surface I tell myself that I learned a lot thanks to her, I’m independent and I’m going to London… It’s a crazy war of feelings inside me. It’s really my karma, it’s going to be hard to get over this and treat my mother with the respect she deserves. But that’s the problem, sometimes I don’t think she deserves any respect. But if someone says something bad about her I get really upset! It’s a mess in my head!
The day before yesterday SHE was rude to me because I bought the ticket with the wrong company and she had to make a long distance call to make a reservation and she had 50c on her bag. I didn’t let her get away with it and said I’m never buying her a ticket again. The next day (yesterday) I had to go to the bank and send her more money. She should be back here at the start of October.