RJ 14/05/1989 Sunday – Dumped and Drunk
How do I begin? I’ll go straight to the point: IT’S OVER! My aunt and uncle went to Friburgo on Friday and on Saturday I went to Saens Peña with Gustavo to buy a folder for him. It took an hour walking around to find it… I was unhappy, because of my boring, lonely life and I didn’t talk much, just kept to myself. We came home at 17:00ish, ate a bit, talked a bit and watched TV (without any physical contact) and he asked why I was acting so weird. I said I was sick of not going out and not having friends…
Things are blurred in my memory but I remember he said he feels it’s better if we’re just friends, as there’s not really any love, we just support each other (according to his analyst). He wants to be in a committed relationship but not with me. He said he feels I put too much pressure on him. Of course, I only have him! I was in a state of shock, emptiness, fear. I cried. I tried to tell him I like him, that I don’t lean on him, I can’t even remember what I said! “Your friendship is very important to me, please stay in touch.” He said. He asked me out yesterday to the beach, but I said no, no… I didn’t know if I could be his friend. It was a confusing moment; it’s all muddled up inside. He left feeling really guilty at 20:15 and left me devastated, apoplectic. Shame I can’t really describe how I felt.
I think I went to the bottom of the well. I decided to poke the wound and drown my sorrows until I was exhausted and there was nothing left. I wanted to explore my pain all at once instead of bit by bit. Camomile pinga (like vodka) watered with tears was the solution. Pink Floyd to create an atmosphere… And off we go!
So much pain. I could have died yesterday. But if I killed myself he’d die of guilt. I know he likes me, I have hope. I drank a lot and felt compelled to call Rodrigo in Uberlandia. He couldn’t believe it was me. We talked a lot. He’s been found innocent in the young girl’s death (remember that?) and he invited me to go there. Maybe I’ll go. Then I called Gino and we talked. Everyone was home, how lucky!
But nothing lifted my spirits. I was very drunk, and I went to lie down but got up and ran to the toilet to be sick. I went to bed, passed out, then woke up covered in vomit. I remembered Jimi Hendrix, he died asphyxiated in his own vomit, and I was thankful I always sleep on my tummy. Or do you really think I wanted to die? Can you imagine “Oh, she died… asphyxiated… by her own vomit…” It wouldn’t go down too well.
I went to sleep in my aunt’s bed and woke up at 6, completely destroyed. My head felt like it was going to explode and everything was spinning, I felt nauseous.
I went to my grandad’s, told my mum everything and we went to Friburgo. I don’t like her viewpoints in life; very cold and a result of years of analysis. On the bus there I told her all the family dramas that happened. ALMOST everything. These tales could fill a book, they are tragic and crazy. We arrived at 14:00 at Mrs. Nina’s: Maira, Gabriel, Julia, Zezé and Gil weere there. I told everyone about Gustavo and felt like I was in the song “I have become comfortably numb”. It was cool. We came back down to Rio at 19:00. Family is a necessary evil and occasionally a very good thing, sometimes… always.
My conclusions: I haven’t had too much time to reflect but I decided a few things: I’ll be friends with Gustavo because two things can happen: I will agree with him and see we’re just friends, or he agrees with me and realises he likes me. I feel great today, full of energy. In reality we are just friends who have sex whenever the opportunity arises. So nothing has changed except we won’t have sex. I have a feeling he’ll change his mind, I don’t know if I’ll accept it. I’ll know when it happens
Yeah, yesterday was fucked up by my method of diving in body and soul into my pain gave better results than a month in therapy. I missed the feeling of security I had knowing he was by my side today, but he said I can count on him. He simply triggered the process of liberation from things that have been torturing me. I don’t feel resentment, I feel great tenderness for Gustavo. He had very little of what I look for in a man, but he’s a good guy, honest. I like that. Kisses for you, Gustavo.