RJ 12/07/1989 Wednesday
Everything went wrong. Five minutes after I got home from Brasas Gustavo arrived with the weed. I hadn’t smoked for so long! Everything was going nicely… We smoked, tripped, laughed and made love, I mean, had sex. I concluded we don’t make love. Then he turned into a WANKER and an ARSEHOLE and me too. When we get high together it’s horrible! Him high on his own is bad enough, but both of us?
When he started wanting to borrow my records I didn’t want to lend them to him as I’m very possessive of them, and I started thinking he wouldn’t return them. It turned into such a stupid argument I’m not even going into details. We must have been sworn enemies in a previous incarnation, you know? He suddenly opened the door and stood with such a sad face (I think I went too far in what I said), I was looking at him and asked whether he was leaving or not and he said ‘if that’s what you want’… And left. I didn’t try to stop him. That Legião song, Ainda é Cedo fits us perfectly
Uma menina me ensinou
Quase tudo que eu sei
Era quase escravidão
Mas ela me tratava como um reiEla fazia muitos planos
Eu só queria estar ali
Sempre ao lado dela
Eu não tinha aonde irMas egoísta que eu sou
Me esqueci de ajudar
A ela como ela me ajudou
E não quis me separarEla também estava perdida
E por isso se agarrava a mim também
E eu me agarrava a ela
Porque eu não tinha mais ninguémE eu dizia ainda é cedo
Cedo, cedo, cedo, cedo
E eu dizia ainda é cedo
Cedo, cedo, cedo, cedoAh, eu dizia ainda é cedo
Cedo, cedo, cedo, cedo
Ah, eu dizia ainda é cedoSei que ela terminou
O que eu não comecei
E o que ela descobriu
Eu aprendi também, eu seiEla falou: Você tem medo
Aí eu disse: Quem tem medo é você
Falamos o que não devia
Nunca ser dito por ninguémEla me disse: Eu não sei
Mais o que eu sinto por você
Vamos dar um tempo
Um dia a gente se vê
I told him this song was our relationship and he must have gotten the message. There you go, he messed me around so much, only looking for me when he had nothing else to do, not wanting to go out with me properly, I got tired. So many differences and obstacles. We are both guilty as neither wanted to make an effort to change. So over time I started finding more and more faults with him and now I don’t want to be with him. It’s easy for him to be with me with no commitment, but I really liked him and wanted more.
I feel empty, I think about him and feel nothing. I didn’t want to stop liking him as I like being around him when we’re not high. But something has changed, and it’s me. I don’t feel insecure about him not liking me. He said there’s not a lack of girls for him to be with and I asked him why the hell does he keep calling me and he said nothing. That was the last straw, he could have said it’s because he likes me, I could see it in his eyes, but he wasn’t man enough to admit it. Well, now I admit I don’t like him anymore, at 16:55 this is how I feel. I don’t care whether he doesn’t like me or he just can’t say he likes me, it doesn’t matter anymore, the circus is closed. I’m throwing this paranoia called Gustavo in the bin.