RJ 12/06/1989 Monday – Valentine’s day
Here I am, in Noah’s Ark, at the end (or start) of a deluge. It’s been raining NONSTOP since Saturday night. Flamengo’s match was postponed because the stadium was like a swamp. I didn’t even leave the flat yesterday to buy cigarettes afraid I’d drown. This city is really blocked up. It only takes a few hours with the tap open for it to flood. So, exactly in the middle of this biblical rain, Gustavo called me yesterday asking me to go to Botafogo, to spend the night. If only I could get on a ferry or helicopter because conventional methods of transportation were not viable. He wasn’t daring coming here either. The one and only time I actively partook in one of these floods I was coming back from Botafogo. There’s no way I’d deliberately, after 24 hours of rain, get back to the scene of the crime… Not even if it was to see Gino! So, yeah, it was him there and me here, separated by a city drowning in a sea mud. I’m very metaphorical today! Eh, Languages student! Speaking of that, I didn’t go to UERJ today. I wasn’t going to get a soaking just for the sake of two Linguistics lessons. Nahaa!
I watched Apocalypse Now on Saturday and Sunday. I tripped a lot both times. War is really stupid. And in my stupid desire to live dangerously I really want to be in one, or to be part in what happened in Peking (Beijing, Tiananmen Square), or the manifestations and guerrilla groups in Brazil in the 70s. In my naivety I’d be the hero and I’d never die… After I’d write a book, plant a tree and have a child… It would be relatively easy. But in reality lots of people die. Mind you, dying isn’t the worst, if I died for something I believed in, if I REALLY believed in what I was fighting for, dying wouldn’t be so bad. Is this too sentimental? Maybe, but if it’s honest then it means something real. I WANT TO START A REVOLUTION! And change this shit. If one happens here when I’m in England I’ll come back in an instant. No wonder so many people smoke weed, snort cocaine, kill themselves. There are no ideals in which to put their energy into. Then everyone becomes the decadent, incoherent bourgeoisie! Very few have a political conscience or take part in anything that can bring a change. The vast majority only cares about cars, sex, rock, weed, party and horror. Of course, I speak for my generation. The most switched on guys I met are Antonio, Luis (UERJ) and Daniel. The rest just swims along with the tide. It’s sad and boring to have so few people to go into these subjects in depth.
“Well done, people, everyone is smoking weed to alienate themselves and not really do anything. Everyone: pass the vestibular and get a car, girlfriend, status. Politics? It’s all bullshit, everyone is corrupt! Politicians deserve no attention and Brazil is fucked. Best to go abroad and earn money.” Even I think a bit like this. It’s our stereotype, and to a certain extent, a valid one. The media put all these thoughts in our minds, to ensure society is stable. I’m going to stop now, my head is boiling with so many thoughts and many people have already put these ideas on paper and my finger hurts.
I walked back from Brasas then walked to the academy, 6km, just like that. I had to be careful not to stop on so many muddy puddles or get wet. Only today I could see how dirty the city is. Yesterday it wasn’t possible to see dirty as it was still flooded. It rained a little less last night and the city ‘dried up’ a bit. But it was drizzling all day.
I didn’t went to UERJ because I was lazy. After eight o’clock I’m going to call for Gino, in my earth, to give him a kiss for Valentine’s day.
I need to practice English and this is a good way to do this.
I don’t need to say that there was a huge number of trees, lampposts falling and landslides. So far 6 people have died. Today the rain eased off. I can hear a lot of noise, lots of ambulances and police cars. What could it be?
Rondonia is completely flooded and the phone lines aren’t working. My mum hasn’t called since the 30th.
As for Gustavo I’m going to clarify the situation once and for all: I like him but I don’t want to accept this. I fight against the feeling because I feel insecure. He says he likes me but isn’t crazy about me (mmmm, Saturday was pretty crazy!) and I feel the need to feel exactly the same as he does, that way he doesn’t win (ridiculous?!) As Aristoteles would say: Insecurity is shit. It’s so unconscious that perhaps it’s just a physical attraction. Or is it? Ok, I think I managed to clarify fuck all.
I’ve just finished talking to my beloved (Gino, obviously). Awww, he’s such a sweetie. Can you believe we’re still declaring our love to each other on the phone? He said Paula and Pollyana are flirting with him a lot but he doesn’t really like either of them, they are boring (no, they really are). He said there hasn’t been anyone who’s made him forget me. This is what I’m afraid of, he’s not been with anyone since January ‘88 (unbelievable), but I think the day he gets off with someone I’m finished. He’s not one for liking two people at once, like me. He’s all proper. When he likes someone it’s for real. I hope he doesn’t get off with anyone, or if he does that it’s not serious. Ah, Gino, I really like you! What does such a handsome guy see in someone like me? Maybe I’m good in bed? Gustavo says I’m not (creative). But making love to Gino is something amazing, everything works so well! He knows what to do, I know what to do, no issues. It’s different with Gustavo, he’s demanding. You know boquete (blow job)? Well, I refuse to do that to Gustavo, but Gino doesn’t even have to ask. Sex with Gino is so fluid and natural and without demands. Why do I feel so self-conscious with Gustavo and so free with Gino? Help, I don’t understand!
I’m going to start planning a trip to Brasilia. I’m going to ask my father if I can stay at his place. It’s the least he can do.