RJ 11/10/1989 Wednesday – Goodbye Gustavo
Hi! My mum was supposed to arrive today but now she’s only arriving on Friday and we’re leaving on Wednesday, not Sunday. I’ll only believe it when I see it! For fuck’s sake, what a palaver, I just want to go! And I have to deal with my mother complaining in one ear, wanting Zezé to give her the $300 she borrowed back. In the other ear is my aunt complaining we are no longer leaving on Sunday, literally desperate to get rid of me!
I left the living room and went to the bedroom to think about my worries. Well, there’s no lack of space here for my mum, but now Zezé is doing this? Just because my uncle doesn’t like her? Couldn’t she let her stay just this once? I was really hurt, Zezé can be really hard with the wrong people as well… And me caught in the middle, trying to stop them from fighting, or get mad at each other. It’s too much stress for me!
Gustavo called on Monday night to tell me how things were in Saquarema. He said he was going to the airport to say goodbye. He called again yesterday, and feeling nostalgic, I asked him if he wasn’t coming to see me… So he was here this morning! So cute! I can’t stay mad at him! He told me he broke some guys nose, when he was training and also there was a cinematographic fight in Saquarema. I got excited and we started to playfight. We went to the bedroom and I took photos of him, as a memento.
He said he liked me more than Gino. How dare he!? If he did he hid it very well. We made love (or had sex?) and we talked about my trip, I lent him books, gave him a 3×4 photo and wrote on the back “Distance is nothing when feelings are everything. You mean so much to me!! I love you Kisses and until we meet again. Lelé”
Very suggestive, huh? We just cuddled for ages. It hurts so much to leave the people you love behind. So much! Then we really made love and he was so sweet, it was great! He had to go to Brasas and is going to Saquarema again tomorrow. I wish he’d stay until I leave. Saquarema will always be there but I’m leaving! That’s why I think he doesn’t like me. But I didn’t say anything. Better to stay apart really. He read some of my diary, but only the bit about Claudio (the liar told Gustavo he didn’t try it on with me!). He tried to read other pages, but I went full on hysterical when he locked himself in the bathroom with it, so he gave up.
He was leaving and I went out with him to buy cigarettes, at the ‘cabarel de bandido’ [criminal’s cabaret, that’s what we called the corner bar]. He asked for a soda, to prolong the goodbye. I nearly cried sat at the table of the dirty bar. When it was time to leave I gave him a peck on the cheek, and he said “hold on!” and gave me a peck on the lips. I walked back without turning back, carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, feeling sad. I didn’t cry, I couldn’t, what was the point? I have to look ahead and be happy that he was a part of my life, and will always be inside of me.