RJ 10/06/1989 Saturday
Well, let’s do the warm up so we can hear the news. Everyone went to Friburgo in the morning but I didn’t want to go. Keyla came here and we went to the market to buy oranges and potatoes for me. Then we went to the saloon for her to get her hands manicured. I went to the Video Club and took out two films: Legend of Greystoke and Apocalypse Now. I didn’t want to go to Araras with Keyla. I just wanted to be alone, in peace with myself.
But emotion beat reason by 10 nil and when I realised I was talking to Gustavo on the phone. I invited him over to watch a film and catch up. I had no intention of getting together with him, I wanted to, but I had no intention to do it. He arrived and he was just friends for the first half an hour then he started with the hints “I thought you might be wearing something else for me, not jeans”
After talking for ages he just grabbed me! I fought him off, said we’re only friends (wasn’t that what he wanted?). I tried all I could half-heartedly, but really, that was what I wanted, how could I avoid it? I hate doing what my conscience doesn’t want me to do but the instinct was stronger. I swear it happened so quickly, it just caught fire and it couldn’t be stopped. It’s hard to describe. We ended up in bed (I made him go to the bedroom!) and WE MADE LOVE (aww, how sweet), we had a shower… I was a bit worried about the cauterization, but the doctor had said it was ok and I was careful. But now I’ll only relax once I go back to see her. After I said I’d never get together with him again! Never more! And now it’s me who doesn’t like him!
When he dumped me I was so in love but things have changed now. I don’t like this nonsense of colourful friendship (amizade colorida), but it sort of works. I’m taking the first step more often from now on though. I’m glad I ignored my pride and called him. I feel more confident. This one sided lust was killing me!
Gustavo is moving to Barra with his dad in a few months! It’s like winning the lottery! Lucky!