RJ 06/05/1989 Saturday
I woke up feeling awful, depressed… My family is crazy (uncle, aunt, grandfather), not going to Brasilia, the boredom, the loneliness… Everything at once.
To avoid going mad at home I met up with my mum. We bought some things and had lunch at Palheta and we talked. What’s really getting me down is I never go out, I don’t have friends like in Brasilia, I’m always home. Gustavo is the only distraction, the only thing I’ll miss. This city is too cruel to me. Keyla doesn’t call me to go out anymore… My mother said I need to learn to live with my solitude and do things on my own. How do I go to a bar or a club on my own? Going to the beach alone is boring, going to the cinema alone is boring… I guess I haven’t learned how to live with my solitude very well yet. I wouldn’t enjoy doing any of these things on my own, I don’t think it would be any fun. When I went to the beach alone it was horrible, boring.
We went to the hairdressers, so much gossiping. I read an article about Cazuza on Veja magazine. Well, my depression is a drop in the ocean compared to his illness. The only way to deal with what he’s dealing is to go mad [Cazuza had AIDS, he died from it a year later. He was the first famous person to admit it in Brazil].
I called Gustavo when I got home, he was spending the weekend at his mother’s house (in Grajau). I told him about my misery, we exchanged some loving words, complained about life. We were trying to win who had the must fucked up life. I think I won today, I was really at the bottom. I called Luciana and Gino had already told her I wasn’t going anymore. I must go there before I go to England. I’m fed up with these nights in at the weekend.