RJ 05/04/1989 Wednesday
Countdown starts. My mum will be back in eight days!
Gustavo showed up yesterday, around 15:00. He was really down, a big existential crisis and we talked. Poor guy, he’s gone to the wrong person to get advice as I don’t have a crisis: I AM A CRISIS!
We talked, he wanted to have sex and I wasn’t going to say no… We went to the bedroom and we were nearly there when the shitting phone rang. It killed it; I answered and it was the wrong number! I went back in the room but Gustavo couldn’t do it anymore, so we just cuddled and talked. He was really troubled and I kept telling him it’s normal to feel this way. Then I felt troubled thinking it was something to do with me, then he tried to convince me it wasn’t me, it was his fault. He says I make him feel shy and uncomfortable and he doesn’t understand why, then to really fuck with me, he said there’s no chemistry between us (all this to justify the fact he couldn’t get it up anymore?). The thing is we’ve had sex lots of times and there’s always been chemistry. But he’s got a point, it’s not passionate (like with Gino). But I like him! And you’re not born knowing how to have sex, you need to practice. We both felt like shit, I cried… It was messed up! But it was also good, we are good friends and things can only get better, or end, once and for all! He left here to go and see his counsellor, his dad’s friend. Gustavo is too anxious, tense… This was the first time he couldn’t get it up, well, he came too quickly first and then couldn’t get it up later. He said he wouldn’t see me until he felt better as it made him feel worse. My head is spinning!
I went to UERJ, they found a Portuguese teacher so I had six lessons today. The new teacher (Amoury) gave us a hard assignment to complete in 2 weeks. I can see I’ll be drinking library tea!
I feel better today, after all I have a clear plan for the future while Gustavo is lost and doesn’t know what to do next. But I think about him and I worry.