RJ 03/05/1989 Wednesday
Gustavo called me unexpectedly yesterday saying he was coming here and arrived soon after. He moved to his dad’s in Botafogo on Monday and said he had no intention of ever going back to his mum’s.
We hadn’t seen each other for long and it felt awkward. It’s always like this, no matter what, I don’t know why! It takes an hour of I don’t know what, weirdness, for us to kiss. When I think about him, daydreaming our encounters, it’s always so sensual and romantic. Then when it actually happens I feel locked, holding back. He’s the same.
Love’s pathways are very tortuous! Eventually things will start happening because it’s inevitable. I wish I could make him see how I feel. I think my actions make it clear, but maybe my ways of showing it aren’t conventional. Neither are his. Am I really in love? I don’t think so because I don’t just think about him, there’s also Gino. But one thing I know for certain, if we split up and I had to live knowing we couldn’t see each other, I’d feel really sad, desperate, depressed, in a bad mood. The first time we split time I liked him less and I felt awful, imagine how I’d feel now! This type of dependency is inevitable.