RJ 27/05/1988 Saturday
What a terrible day! I never felt such anguish. I’m lost and impotent to act. They poked my deepest wound. When I think about it I feel betrayed. Today I discovered that when they say the 1st love is forever it’s not a lie. It’s true!
Last night I called Renata (it had to be her!). I’ve received letters since last week from Lu, Bocão, Alexandra, Renata, all saying they met Henrique one of those Saturdays at Marina (a bar), saying that Henrique likes me a lot and that I am special to him… But Renata asked me to call her on the letter. I rang with a tight heart, thinking the worst. She’s seeing Henrique! I can’t even describe how I feel. She knew better than anyone else how I felt about him! I nearly lost my voice but I pretended not to care. When I put the phone down I burst into tears! Today I cried even more. No matter who shows up, Henrique will be eternal, the first love. We only kissed one night but the feeling is as strong as what I feel towards Gino, but it also involves friendship. I was really shaken and I dreamt about him, and I felt disgust. As ever, Renata making me feel like shit. I must have done something awful to her on a previous life and now I’m paying for it.
Joubert came here tonight (it’s 1:50 am Sunday). My aunt and uncle went to Friburgo; Gabi is with his dad so it was just me and Maira left. Joubert and I detonated a bottle of grapes and cachaça. I’d been drinking since the afternoon, drowning my sorrows. Definitely, I don’t know if it’s the people of the city of Brasilia, there’s a magnet connecting me to the Planalto Central and this will never change or go away. I won’t feel peace until I return. I’m so anxious for July to arrive and if I don’t go there I’ll go mad. Then I will talk to Henrique; he told Renata I was his platonic love. If he’d allowed it I would have been much more.
My head hurts! They say that real love comes and goes… But I never stopped loving Henrique.
Maira has gone to Campos de Jordão to see Chileno (her boyfriend) and I’m home alone this Sunday, but everyone will be back tomorrow.
What depresses me the most is the lack of money. Well, I don’t miss it so much but my aunt and uncle are about to close their business (Cofabra) and I can’t call Brasilia as I don’t like to see them worried about money. I feel deflated, there’s too much going on. I can’t speak too much but my heart feels tight. What is going to happen to me?