RJ 27/02/1988 Saturday – Umbanda
Last night me, Maira and Gilberto went to a Umbanda Spiritual Centre, it was my first time… It was an important night, not because I discovered a fact, but for a confirmation of something. Before talking to the entity Joaquim we prayed and meditated. I entered a trance like estate – in my language, in spiritual terms it was the start of ‘desdobramento’ – i.e. I no longer felt my body, as if I had smoked a joint! Incredible! Me, Maira and Gilberto spoke together with Father Joaquim, but he spoke to me most of the time. He told me to think more, forgive more, take out the sadness from my heart and understand things more. That I should learn a lesson and grow up, given all I’m going through. He told me to get up again and think about the present and the future. He said he wants to see my heart smiling, not crying and hurt like it is now.
I got half of it myself, my uncle explained the other half. I’m suffering being where I don’t want to be, away from people I love, everything I didn’t want because of one person: My mother. The hurt in my heart is anger and hate for her. Deep down it feels she did all this to make me suffer. It hurt a lot to realise I hate her. I think of myself as understanding but I don’t understand her acts and see her as selfish and bad. I never felt like showing her affection. Since I was little she made me suffer, always moving from one place to another and whenever I got used to the new place, we move again. I lived in Brasilia, Goiania, Brasilia, Mexico, Goiania, Brasilia and now Rio. This is horrible and why make me live like this?
Anyway, none of this is news to me, I knew it. She blocked my love. But she’s my mother and loves me. Yesterday I realised I need to forgive her as she didn’t do any of it to hurt me, I can’t hate her like this as it’s bad for me. I need to learn to love and accept her. It’s so hard! I’m going to have to make an effort. I think this is my karma: to love and understand my mother. It’s hard to forgive someone whose actions made me suffer and lose the people I love. She ripped me off my land. I kept this inside so long and now it’s pouring out. I start crying when I think about it. I thought about this last night, at the beach, in the car. I want to forgive, but I can’t, I have to! What a struggle. To look at my mum and only feel love and not anger, a knot in my throat.
I have to accept her how she is. Her materialistic and atheist way. Her way of loving me. I know I love her but the feeling of betrayal is so big. It’s confusing and hard. How can I change a feeling that’s always been there? I have to do it. It’s imperative to my growth, happiness and freedom! It’s been good, despite the pain, to open my eyes. No need for therapy, just a conversation… I found myself! I feel loose, light. I can’t forgive that she’s taken me out of Brasilia, I can’t get over it. But I have to think about the future benefits. It’s as if something is making me see only the bad side, it’s embedded in me. I have to be conscious and rip it out. I have to believe I can do this.