RJ 13/05/1988 Friday
I’m listening to ‘The Wall – Pink Floyd’- Boredom! If I was in Brasilia I’d be going out to do something instead of being home remembering the past. Someone told me cultivating sadness isn’t a good thing but there’s nothing else to do but feel sad. Sometimes I’m surprised by my mind. I’m a young person, irresponsible and selfish, but I see people living their lives and they are so unconscious! I observe everything, eagerly, I’m very alert and I just see people being lost, without love, dignity or self-respect, killing each other because they haven’t found meaning in life. What a world!
Here I am, wanting to cry, and wanting to live. I’m anxious to live but everything that goes on is depressing! I’m just taking part in Maira and my aunt’s lives, but what about my life? I know, my time will come and I’m not very mature yet, it’s just I haven’t yet had many chances to make my mistakes and it shocks me when other people make their mistakes. When people are astonished by my silence and quietness they don’t know what’s going on inside me. They think I’m alienated, silly, simple but they can’t see the complexity of my thoughts. They simply can’t read me while I know them well; because they reveal too much, showing off. I’m my best companion, I know myself very well. I understand myself so why do other people want to understand me and why do they take offence when I don’t confide in them? I’m not so pretentious to think I’m enough, but I like to keep myself to myself. Why do people get bothered when I don’t want to talk? I’ll talk when I’m ready! And when I decide to speak everyone will be shocked to hear what I have to say. So why say anything, why hurt people? I’d rather stay quiet. “Don’t leave me now, when you know how I need you… Don’t say it’s the end of road!”
Her name is Noemia. 25 years old. Single. Lost. Needy like all the lost people. She’s Maira’s friend. I have nothing to do with their relationship, which seems too crazy for me, so I won’t even talk about it… Noemia called now and because Maira wasn’t here I got 15 minutes on the phone of her saying “I sniffed, smoked, drank, I adore you, I’m going to Friburgo with you”. We’re going there tomorrow. 25 years old. A brain tumour. She’s completely alone, no one can help her carry this cross. Me… A 16 year old girl analysing a 25 year-old. It really disturbed me hearing her so out of it on the phone, it sounded like she was in a bar… and there was nothing I could do! I get attached to people but I feel she will disappear like she appeared. Suddenly. Forever. I feel sorry for her and feeling sorry for someone isn’t good, it means I feel superior. She doesn’t believe in anything anymore and life is worthless to her! What can I do? Maira keeps getting into complicated situations!
Hello, is there anybody in there?
Who am I, why has my life changed so much? Why do I always have to cry? I keep on going, head held up high, but inside… A dissatisfaction I can’t make sense of. I’m so contradictory! I just said I understand myself. I think everything happened to open my eyes. There is a FORCE inside me, and it’s up to me to be a great person or a pile of rubbish. I have to clarify that being great isn’t having money; it’s something else; like exuding love from every pore. It’s easier to be rich than it is to love.