RJ 29/01/1987 Thursday
I go home on the 6th of February, my beloved land! Every time I go away I feel that’s my place, I love it so much. Maira and Gabriel are coming too. Every time I come here I learn a lot and store it in my brain. People here are different and I feel like a black sheep. In Brasilia people have a mysticism, are more reserved, different. Here I feel people see me in a different light, look at me as a curiosity, because I’m from Brasilia. Only a few get close to me. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t let them. I’m like a sphinx, introverted, reserved, quiet, pensive. I feel that when I act in one way people interpret it in a different way. When I want to act in one way, I end up acting in another way. I’m not me. Inside I’m one way, outside I’m another. I like my interior more, I know it’s incredible. But no one, not even myself, knows it because it’s very profound. My God! My shell is shit… It’s something I don’t like. An ugly mask that I don’t know how to take off. I wish for someone to help me discover it, someone like me; but where can I find this person? I’m going to do a lot of research this year and I have to find someone, but I don’t know how to do it. I’m afraid I might be the only person who can help me, I think I might be. But I don’t know where to start… That’s why I want someone to walk with me and open the door to me. Shit! I think I need a psychologist. But I have found a companion; my guitar is going to be a great friend this year.
This holiday I worked as a nanny for Gabriel while Maira spent the days out. This time I was disappointed with Maira, but I don’t know if I have the right to be. I realised that Maira is human, with failings, and some very ugly… A normal person. I used to think she was amazing and perfect, didn’t feel envy, wasn’t mean, didn’t need to make excuses not to do things, didn’t use people, didn’t despise anyone, wasn’t cynical, wasn’t fake.