RJ 02/01/1987 Friday
I spent the New Year in Copacabana watching the fireworks and doing the white grape charm (simpatia da uva branca – eat grapes, make wishes, or throw the seeds from the grapes and makes wishes, something along those lines). It was ok but full of old people. Didn’t really sleep as I was coughing a lot non stop. I finally slept at 6 and woke up at 1 in the afternoon. In the afternoon everyone went to apt. 503 and we watched Poltergeist and stayed there till midnight. Yesterday we woke up and went to my grandad’s, later Maira and Gabriel arrived. Then I was asking for money to buy a bikini, I wanted to go to the beach at all costs today, then Maira started to stick her nose in, telling me that if I stomped my foot I might get it. I got so angry I went to the toilet to calm down. I came back and sat down quietly. Then Gabriel came and started to hit me, I ignored him, he carried on and I pushed him away gently, he didn’t stop. Then in one of my famous fits of fury, I slapped him. He got frightened and started crying. Then you can guess, everyone turned against me. As I was on edge and couldn’t calm down in that flat so I ran off to the street. It was raining hard and I walked around the block, sort of crying, then stepping on nice puddles. I got back and went to the roof and sat there for 40 minutes, in the rain, thinking and crying.
I was in a bad way yesterday, I don’t know why, I’m thinking of just going back to Brasilia because here has not been good, I’m not good, I don’t know what it is. Suddenly my grandfather shows up. I didn’t want to go back with him but if I didn’t go he was either going to take me by force or have a fit, I got scared so I went back with him. I went straight to the shower and stayed there for ages. My mum and Maira couldn’t care less, my grandfather was saying this is not the way for a young lady to behave, what will ‘they’ think… Zaira behaved diplomatically and Gabriel stuck to me and didn’t let me go.
When I was on the roof , up there, crying, I kept feeling a presence, something near me: a spirit? I don’t know, it felt like it was protecting me. It was all very strange and I’m still a bit shaken by it. Should I stay or should I go back to Brasilia?