BSB 06/10/1987 Tuesday – Mother moved to London
My mum has gone to London on Friday and now I’m alone and defenceless in this world. I’m still in the flat with Irma and Jane (the maid, she’s crazy) and Irma’s 4 year old daughter arrives tomorrow. There’s no one telling me what to do, I can do what I like and get home whenever I like. Except my mother left a list of recommendations and even though Irma says nothing my conscience keeps telling me how to behave and making me feel bad. Boring! My father came here yesterday, gave me money for the month and on Saturday I went to see his exhibition. We’re getting on ok. But it’s such a distant, formal relationship it’s hard to get on, well or bad. My mum called from London yesterday and just thinking I won’t see her for a year I miss her.
Gino wrote more offensive stuff on the lift door and I went to talk to him last Tuesday. We nearly had a physical fight… He swore he didn’t write anything. Bullshit. I nearly spat on his face. Now I don’t even talk to him, I feel disgust for him and everything we did. He transformed something amazing into something dirty. This makes me so angry. Sometimes I want to do it all again, because he seems innocent and good. Other times I feel like making him suffer everything I suffered, even knowing he was in a bad way when we split up, what he suffered doesn’t come close with what I’ve been through. I don’t think I’ll ever forget him, there will have to be someone very special. In the same way Gino ripped Henrique off my mind one day someone will rip Gino off my mind (and body). But I wish this someone was just me, but it’s hard to get over someone alone. People are accustomed to need other people like crutches, otherwise they become bitter and unhappy. Life without love makes no sense.
College is as shit as ever and I continue to dream about the explosion of all educational establishments and the creation of an educational system based on practical teaching… you know how this conversation goes. So, I study the minimum required to pass, except Physics, given up on that one as I have already failed.
Well, that’s all for today!