RJ 24/07/1986 Thursday
I felt like a monster today. I slept at Maira’s and in the middle of the night Gabriel started to cry and scream around the house. He did this for about 10 minutes, until Maira turned up. In the meantime I had the most awful thoughts while he cried! I imagined myself shaking, squashing, torturing, strangling him to see if he’d stop. That’s so awfully sadistic, isn’t it? I swear that’s how I feel when he screams his head off. I feel an impulse to sit on him, or give him a slap, to see if he shuts up. (NOTE: and that’s why teenagers shouldn’t have kids).
This is what I’m like. When I’m irritated, angry, my first thought is to punch someone, break everything, pull someone’s hair out (usually my mum’s). As I can’t do those things, I just throw things on the floor. My preferred victims are whatever is on my hand. Sometimes I have my mum’s bag, while asking for money, she says no and everything flies off: purse, glasses, calculator. If I’m at the table, food flies everywhere, sometimes school books, magazines, chair… Then my mum says: ‘You have five minutes to pick everything up’ – and I usually do, as I feel better after throwing everything around. When I’m particularly angry I sort my mess out half an hour later, after the usual motherly blackmail of pocket money withdrawal. I used to fall for this blackmail, but lately I have become more conscious and I leave her screaming or tell her to fuck off.
Rolha was here and I read his poems. I copied one and when I learn an instrument I will write a song for it.
Maira and Jeison are arguing now. He seems to have lost it. According to Maira they were good the other day and then for very little, he hasn’t spoken to her for two days. She says that’s what he’s like, he goes into crisis, and is very closed emotionally. Maira summarises married life like this: Hard… But good. I’m never getting myself into such a situation!
Maira read me her short diary and I found it interesting. Her idea is to write down her daily mistakes. Could it be interesting? I’ve been writing a diary for nearly 2 years and I want a change, more analysis. Context change. I’m collecting various ideas in ways of writing until I find the ideal way. It could take a long time to find it!
Weather was better today and Maria, Gabriel and I went to Rosane’s, Maria’s friend, who went away and asked Maira to water her plants and turn the car on. I turned the car on.
In the afternoon Maira and I went to Ana’s house and then I bought a pair of trainers. I was selfish today, I was bad to Gabriel, I pinched him. He annoys me sometimes. But I do like playing with him too. It’s his screaming and crying that drive me insane.