RJ 20/07/1986 Sunday – Feelings
I was gently forced to stay at Maira’s, for the 3rd night! I feel better at Zezé’s but it seems she prefers I stay at Maira’s, because when Maira said ‘let’s go to mine, Lelé?’, annoying Zezé just said ‘Make sure you have a shower while you are there, ok?’ without giving me a chance to say where I want to sleep. Then I start sulking and Zezé says ‘You can stay here if you want’, but by then I don’t really want to anymore. So I have to go to Maira’s and have to wake up early with Gabriel crying, slamming doors. I feel like a ping-pong ball. I can’t stay where I want to stay, because Zezé makes me feel bad in her flat, by making it impossible for me to stay there. Probably because she only likes me from a distance. I feel like never coming here again. I’m so stupid, everytime I come I regret it.
Zezé is always rejecting me, and the worst thing is that I like her. Every time I come here I have days I feel like rubbish, a leftover. Thrown out to whomever wants it, by my aunt. Might sound like an exaggeration, but it’s not. Have you ever felt this way? If you haven’t, go on your knees and pray how lucky you are, because it might seem small, but it’s really hurtful.
Maira keeps saying she never knows what I think or feel because I don’t talk about it… This is how I am, leave me alone. What can I do if my stupid mother created someone full of issues and left me insecure? Any kind of rejection hurts me so much and I cry, on my own. It’s hard to be unable to say what you think or feel! And no one can help because no one knows about it. People just think I’m insensitive, or shy. About once a month this really gets to me, and that’s in Brasilia. In Rio everything gets to me about five times a day. My problem is I don’t trust myself and I can’t find myself!