BSB 31/08/1986 Sunday
I can’t stand my mum anymore. My tummy is aching from all the coughing, my voice is gone and my head aches and she keeps nagging me. She picks on everything I do. If I go out, if I answer back, if I smoke, if I walk, if I breathe, if I watch TV, if I have a boyfriend, that I’m a robot because I imitate everyone. And she says this in the worst possible way. It just makes me so angry. The phone rang just now and she answered and said I was locked in my room to Renata. She said I can no longer go out and come home at 2 in the morning. She’s going to kill me by nagging when she finds out I lost my braces last night. Well, if she tries to stop me from going out she will definitely be living with a robot, because I will lock myself in my room and not talk to her, unless absolutely necessary.
Why is it that no parent understands their child? They have been through it all, they should know what we are going through. Seems to be a human trait, to forget what it’s like when you get old. She hates her job and keeps trying to force me to develop my artistic side. She thinks just because she wanted to work with art, and didn’t, through her own choices, I have to fulfil her dreams for her. Except that’s not what I’m into. I’m interested in nature, I love animals, the sun and the rain, the moon and the sea. I love the sea! If I could I’d leave at the bottom of the ocean with fish, wales, sharks and Henrique. Why do I have to be like her? She says she feels very sad I’m so different from her! Well, she was the same disappointment to her parents. She is very different from them. Why can’t she see I have no intention of being anything like her?
I told my mum I lost my braces and she said: “Call the bar, see if they found them”. AS IF! Even if they found it, whoever swept the floor won’t have seen it, it’s transparent (I was only wearing the top one). But I will call, just to satisfy Madam.
Rilson came here, this was our talk
R – So, our relationship is going very slow…
Me – Yep, almost stopping.
R – Shall we stop it?
Me – Yeah, I’ve been wanting to stop for a long time…
We carried on talking, he said ‘cheated’ on me five times, I told him about Henrique. I pretended I was a bit sad it was over. We talked for half an hour. He said he stopped having feelings for me about 2-3 weeks ago. He’s so dull and lame, when I look at him I keep thinking ‘Why can’t you be Henrique?’