BSB 13/08/1986 Wednesday
I’m so mad at Henrique, I hate him! He wasn’t home when I went to see him yesterday. Guilherme answered and said he had to go out and would call me later, but he didn’t. Why? Why is this so hard? If I saw him I’d be the happiest person in the world. I haven’t seen him for eight months and I can’t stop thinking about him. He is no good for me. I was in such a bad mood I was horrible to everyone. Queijo cheered me up though. When I was leaving the classroom he touched my hair and smiled. Laughing, I said ‘What the heck are you doing?’ and he said ‘You are beautiful!’.
Suddenly I thought, as I was going to dance: I don’t have any serious problems, why don’t I have a serious problem? I thought it was weird, because it felt like I had a really serious problem, but really I haven’t. So I saw the light, and I realised I have a good life. Look at my ‘problems’: Being in love with a boy I haven’t seen for 8 months, having a boyfriend I don’t like, retaking Physics, wearing glasses and braces (removable!). Need to find myself, need to have a really hairy problem.
Maybe that’s what’s wrong, I need a challenge, living without struggle is boring. I’m not happy and I’m not sad. I just am. What am I? I need a goal, something to fight for. Maybe that’s why I’m so obsessed with Henrique, it’s something I have to fight for, it’s difficult. Maybe he has become the focus for all I want in life. Maybe that’s why I hate my mum, because I need to fight someone. But she’s too understanding so it’s hard to hate her. Everyone else’s mums are awful compared to mine. She knows all I do and she lets me do anything I want. Sometimes I wish someone said NO to me so I can shout “I can do whatever I want!”.
But I don’t do what I want either, if I did I’d be so unhappy. I don’t do what I want because I don’t know what I want. Can someone tell me what I want and who am I? I don’t know myself or who I am… Maybe I need a doctor.
I’m not happy because I don’t have problems, I’m not unhappy either… I’m just another person, swallowed by the system, without sense or form.