Praia Brava 29/12/1984 Saturday
I’ve got an awful cold, no voice … I woke at 8:30 and had my breakfast. We went to the beach after much drama. Me and Jeison were competing (using the chronometer in Maira’s watch), to see who could retrieve a screw faster (it was a puzzle). At the beach I saw Rubinho (he didn’t even remember me), and Pato. Brasilia isn’t here yet. Roni jumped like a sheep, playing with the other dogs, swam (he looked really skinny when he came out the water). Maira went swimming although there was no sun, it was hazy. I got my period today, damn! It’s alright though, as I didn’t want to swim anyway… The gang plays volleyball here everyday. We found out that Brasilia now lives in Rio. But the rest of the family is still there (I still don’t know where).
Later everyone went to the beach and I stayed in with Roni. Jeison washed him to get rid of the salt water. He’s treated like a person, which I don’t like. Roni is really desperate and grabs anybody’s legs, but if you speak firmly to him he stops (that’s why I got into trouble later). Later we went to Mangaratiba. I tried lo send the letter but the post office was closed. We played buraco from 5 to 8.
At first it was fine, but then Maira and Jeison started arguing. The game took ages to end, no one could finish, a really bad atmos. They started to set the table and I had a shower. Maira kept asking for me to drink the milk, I didn’t really want to so I went to sit next to Roni and stroke him. He growled and tried to bite me. Jeison hit him (I was begging for him not to). I drank the stupid milk swallowing my tears. I just can’t stand it when an animal attacks me, I feel really small. What did I do to him to deserve this? I took the dishes away crying (I felt like crying all day, and I kept telling everyone it was just my cold). And everything I did I was crying, but I didn’t let anybody see it.
When I walked into the living room Jeison was stroking Roni, it felt like they were conspiring against me, but then I realised I was being paranoid… During dinner Maira had said I was one of the most sensitive people she’s ever met. I got really full of myself, but then I thought maybe her and Jeison argued because of me. I mean, Jeison maybe was mad at me (not sure why, maybe because I’m full of myself), and Maira defended me.
Roni must have felt that Jeison was mad at me (he defends him with his life) and attacked me. Do you like my theory? Just to show how I cry for hardly any reason, yesterday, when I said bye to my aunt, I felt really sad as we won’t be together for New Year, like we always are.
She’s got a choice of spending it on the boat or alone… I felt depressed I think, and just a little argument with Maira on the car made me cry. It was only tears as I didn’t want anyone to see it. Maybe I’m the victim of some childhood trauma. Or maybe I’ve been excessively spoilt. I don’t like being like this. It’s too much.
It’s 10:30 pm and here comes the train, I think there are about 10 per day. There are tracks right in front of the house. And it shakes when the trains go by… There’s a lizard in our room and I’m really scared to go in there to sleep. Between us, I think I’m being really egocentric, to think that the reason they had an argument was me. I’m writing in the dark now, can’t see anything. Now D. Nina is snoring and I can’t sleep. I’m going to put a cork in her mouth. I WANT TO SLEEP!