Thursday 12th of December 2002
It’s your 4th birthday tomorrow! I can’t believe it. It seems like only last year when you had your 3rd birthday… Last week, from Weds to Sunday afternoon, your Grandma Linda stayed over. Because R. is going away for 4 days this weekend, he decided to have your party a week earlier, on Saturday. Basically he was going to phone a few people and organise something at our house. I went out on Friday night and stayed at Jeff’s, assuming things would be sorted by R. and Linda for Saturday. Then I spoke to R. who said he was going to take you out for the day and could I get some stuff for the party? I hadn’t slept much the night before – as I had drunk too many vodkas and red bulls (never drink that unless you want to stay awake forever) so I was extremely tired.
Still, I went to the supermarket, bought a nice chocolate cake and some snacks. Didn’t buy any drinks as I wasn’t sure who was going to come. Got home at 2:30 and passed out in bed, because I was so tired. You, Linda and R. arrived at 4 and I got up feeling absolutely exhausted. R. was all upset because I was sleeping (?). Which annoyed me because before we split up he used to go out and then sleep all day. Next thing I know we’re arguing and he’s telling me to ‘pretend you’re a mother’, that of course made my blood boil!
He hadn’t even organised anything for the party, so no one was coming around. The only hint of a party was the food that I had bought… So I left before things got bad while R. shouted ‘If you don’t come back I won’t take Daniel to school or babysit ever again!’ I just couldn’t believe it! And he’s telling me to pretend I’m a mother. I’d never use you as a weapon. I went out for a drive to relax and to get out of there. R., of course, was going out that night. I wanted to go out, but couldn’t (R. was taking Linda out), which was ok, considering how tired I was. So your ‘party’ consisted of the three of us singing Happy Birthday to you and your new Spider Man outfit that Linda got for you. You loved it and you were happy. When I had walked out earlier I hadn’t said goodbye to you and you cried for ages, which made me even angrier at R. And then when I got home I got in the shower and cried for ages. What a nightmare, I hate making you cry!
R. and Linda left and I took you to bed after we had a bit of peace and quiet. Of course you insisted on sleeping on your Spider Man outfit. Linda came home later and we had a chat. She was telling me that she felt awkward staying there with R. not being there. I told her that, to me, it had been fine, and she could come back any time, but I don’t think she felt comfortable, no matter what I did. Which is shame, as our relationship is independent of him. She said she doesn’t like taking sides when we argue, but of course, she will always be on R.’s side.
The next day, after R. got up at 11 (which is ok for him to do, but not me, of course) we drove Linda to Euston Station so she could go back home to Manchester. Before we left I told you I was going to take you to the Natural History Museum. You wanted to wear your full Spider Man outfit (which looks more like pyjamas if you ask me), so I had to tell you that if you did everyone would know your secret identity and that the police doesn’t let Spiderman in the Natural History Museum, but that you could wear the top. The amount of bullshit that comes out of my mouth to get you to do things is unbelievable! So we got there and you were running all over the place ‘looking for danger’ and throwing yourself against the walls, pretending to climb them. It was hilarious. You never made me laugh so much. And then all the other kids were pointing at you:’Look, mum, it’s Spider Man!’ You were so proud of yourself it was lovely. You were proud and embarrassed at the same time!
Tomorrow, I arranged for you to have 2 cakes. In the morning all your school friends will sing you happy birthday at school. R. has been entrusted to get you a cake from Greg’s on the way to school. I have been off work for the last 2 days, as I’ve had the flu. So on Tuesday I got you a Spider Man cake, which Marlene is going to take to the play group and all your friends in there will have cake too. All in all, it hasn’t been too bad. One birthday, 3 cakes! I’ve washed and ironed your Spider Man outfit, so you can wear it tomorrow! It’s also the company’s Christmas party tomorrow, so I’m in two minds whether to go or not as it will mean not seeing you tomorrow (apart from morning). But it’s going to be a great party!!!!