Tuesday 22nd of June 1999
I have to go to the dentist tomorrow morning, at 9:00. I have no tooth decay, but my gums are in a really bad estate, so bad that if nothing is done to clean them my teeth will just fall off! I had a bit of a shock when the dentist told me a couple of weeks ago… This is thanks to smoking and not flossing properly.
Next week I have my driving test and I’m really nervous about it. Today I had my driving lesson and it was a disaster. I was ok in traffic, it was just the manoeuvres, I was just so hopeless reversing around the corner it was unbelievable, it took me 4 attempts to get it right, normally I do it OK second time around. I don’t know, I can’t afford to take another test if I fail next week…
Tonight I had an argument with your dad, about you. He seems to forget that you are a baby and not a computer, and that your behaviour is not predictable. You are not a machine. And it’s weird, if he says anything bad about your behaviour (even if he has a point) I just get totally defensive of you. It’s like I can complain when you are being difficult (when nothing makes you happy and you won’t settle) but when he does that it just really annoys me. Tonight (and for the last couple of nights) you have been a bit reluctant to take your bottle and go to sleep at 8:30 (as you “normally” do). R. was looking after you while I was downstairs descaling the bottle steriliser and kettle. When I came up, you were on the bed on your stomach, crying your beautiful little eyes out. He had given up feeding you, as every time he gave you the bottle you’d push it away and then start moaning because you wanted it back. It was obvious to me that you wanted to play (that’s what you were doing with the bottle), but you didn’t want to play alone. Instead of trying to figure out what was wrong and trying different things, he just left you in the bed to cry. So I picked you up and gave you a hug and after a couple of minutes you were happy as Larry again. It was obvious that you just wanted attention, which is not a crime and you can’t spoil a baby by paying attention to their needs – I read that a baby’s need for attention is just as strong as the need to eat, and it’s just as vital that that need is cared for. R. has no patience with you sometimes and I find it disappointing.
I have a set of steps of things to do when you’re not settled:
See, my degree in Computer Science has its uses! Sometimes I swap the order of the actions (if I’m tired, or just had enough of playing with you, I might just try to rock you to sleep after feeding and changing your nappy, instead of playing). But as far as R. is concerned if he has decided that is time for you to sleep, then that’s what you’ll do. I told him how in the hell can he expect you to sleep if you’re not tired? And he knew you had a late nap until 7:30, how could you possibly sleep at 8:30? Anyway, you finally slept at 9:45, which isn’t bad at all! He’s trying to discipline you as though you were a 4-year old, but you’re only 6 months old! That kind of behaviour management comes much later. I told this to R. 1000 times, and he refuses to read any books on the subject (well, I’ve seem him reading a chapter here and there, but it was either the wrong chapter or he just pretended that he was reading). Of course what a book says is no gospel, but its guidance and my instincts tell me that you are just too young to understand the difference between good and bad behaviour.
So, we argued for a little while, R. went upstairs to clean the room (Your grandma Linda is coming to visit on Thursday, I can’t wait!) – I told him to leave us alone. I played with you for 1/2 an hour, rocked you for about 20 minutes and you fell asleep and that was that. No big deal. I think R. gets stressed and doesn’t know what to do because he doesn’t spend as much time with you as I do. I’m just tuned to you big time and 99% of the time I just know what you want. The other 1% of the times I have to use the ‘diagram’ plan above.
Your other grandma (my mum) graduates this month. Tomorrow she has an exhibition of her work for and the three of us are going. This is her 4th degree, so to speak! First of all she did a degree in Architecture in Brasília, where she met my father. Then she did a Masters in Mexico (when I was 6-8 years old) in Town Planning. Then when I turned 16, she came to London to do a PhD (I stayed in Brazil with my aunt Zezé and uncle and cousin Maira to finish school), and that is how I ended up in England at the age of 18 and met R. at the age of 25! Since she abandoned her PhD she’s never really worked, but has done a lot of courses in Art related subjects (which is what she really likes, Architecture only paid the bills). Now she’s finished this degree: Designing for the Community (or something like that) in Chelsea. Tomorrow is the culmination of three years of work!
Ok, I better go now, it’s 23:20, I’m trying to ICQ my cousin in Brazil, but she hasn’t showed up yet and I have to sleep soon.