London 08/09/1992 Tuesday
I’m smoking again…
But much less and today I have no money so I won’t be smoking.
Patrick’s very depressed. His work at the bridge (Chelsea) will be over in a month and he does not know if Murphy’s will have a job for him. Also he wants a car badly again and can’t afford it. It’s his own fault he can’t afford anything. He earns a fortune every week, but drinks a lot. He just doesn’t know how to manage his money! Anyway, he’s seriously thinking of going to Sevilla. He asked me to come with him: I won’t. He is so weak sometimes! He’s in such a state he’s not able to decide anything for himself. If I said I’d go with it would be easier for him to make a decision. But I want to settle down for a while and take care of my career and my life.
If he goes I think I’ll be very angry at him and very lonely over here, but if he feels better with himself I rather he went tomorrow. I’m sick of seeing him so depressed. We went away in Europe for two weeks (we went around 10th of August) and since we have been back it’s been shit. Sometimes I think I don’t love him anymore, I might be in love with someone else, but I can’t stop caring about him.
Last Thursday he was coming for dinner at my place but never turned up. Next day I rang his work and he had not turned up. So after I finished the cleaning job I went straight to his place. He was in bed and terribly depressed. I was angry for being stood up and caused a row. He didn’t turn up the night before because he went drinking after work and couldn’t stop. He arrived home at 4 o’clock and obviously did not get up next morning. My boyfriend is an alcoholic!
I am really fed up with being less important than a pint glass full of cider.
Last Saturday Pat, Duncan and I went to Capoeira. Patrick met Karl at the tube one day and Karl gave Pat the address at The Place. We went there and I saw Karl. He’s living in a squat now and his hair has grown a lot. Anyway, I played a bit and was not so bad after a year (longer, even!), so I’ll be back next week.
Also Alan (Pat’s ex housemate) has gone to Israel for a year and left his mountain bike at the house, so now I have it! I have been cycling a lot lately.