RJ 07/03/1988 Monday
I might seem crazy but I don’t really think about Gino, I think about Henrique… And Daniel. How does that make sense?
Gino hasn’t written or called. It’s as if everything he said was lies, a dream. How disappointing! It’s like he’s been erased from my memory. It’s awful, I keep thinking of him as a mistake. I don’t see what we did as good or bad. He always has the ability to destroy the love I feel for him. What a shame, I thought he was THE ONE. Strangest of all is that it doesn’t really upset me, I’m not suffering. He just disappeared from my life like lightning, maybe because I seem to easily forget my love affairs. I think of Rodrigo more as a friend, and I don’t forget friends. Gino was only a boyfriend, we weren’t synched on any other level. And that’s that.
Henrique, as always, disappearing then reappearing in my life. Renata said she talked to him one night at Gilberto and told him I’d gone, he asked for my number, cursed me for leaving… He told her he might call me, but he hasn’t. But just hearing his name all the feelings came back, but there’s nothing to be done. Leave it!
I think life is pure illusion. We delude ourselves because of moments with someone and then we wake up. I can never define what I feel for Gino, I want to, but ‘love’ doesn’t sound right for our relationship. I look at photos of him and all I see is a face… nothing else. Sad, huh?
I met Daniel the day after I arrived here and it was love at first sight for me. As time passed I got confused. I don’t know if it’s a crush or friendship, do you understand? I don’t. I think I’m a nymphomaniac because this isn’t a diary, it’s a love dossier. 99% of the stuff I write is about men. Give me patience! How about some variety, Lelé?!
I start school tomorrow, Martins, I bet the first thing I’ll write about is some good looking guy that I fell for. Fuck it, that’s how I am. If you don’t like it don’t read it, ok?